HiccupyBoo
Fading in or fading out? |
The ridiculous ramblings of a post psych ward suicidist. |
This isn't a suicide note. This is a to be or not to be note.
My housemate told me today that I need to move out. I have nowhere to go. Litterally. I have no friends to lean on, no money to support myself and get my own place. I have 2 option. Be homeless, or be nothing. I can't imagine being homeless. I'd have to get rid of all my things except for a backpack of... What? Clothes? Food? What do homeless people keep with them? What would I do with my cat? Homeless people can't keep cats. I could also die. If I'm dead, then I don't have to worry about where I'll sleep, whether I'll get mugged, or beat up in the street. I won't have to worry about my cat. Killing myself seems like the best option right now. Like it often does. The only thing that bothers me about that is... Well... I've started to see a little bit of point to living since I was last at this juncture. I don't specifically want to die right now, but it seems to be the best of two options.
I. Woke. Up. Perky.
I popped out of bed with motivation. I applied to several jobs that I would actually enjoy doing. I turned on the radio. I looked forward to weeding. Happy Friday the 13th. After spending the last 2 days in the dismal clutches of a seemingly endless depression, I feel relieved and bit carefree! Yesterday was terrible. I didn't want to speak, listen, see, think or exist. Worked myself into my first panic attack in years. Couldn't breath, couldn't stop scrubbing the deck. Monotonous movements were my only escape. Started feeling suicidal again and became hysterical in the shower sincerely wondering why I still bothered to wake up. Sobbing uncontrollably to where I couldn't breath. A single moment of clarity made me impulsively turn the water to cold to snap myself out of it. After screaming and catching my breath from the icy shock, I realized I wasn't crying anymore. I couldn't fall asleep until 6am, probably because I didn't want to take my sleeping pill. I woke at 7am, then a 9am, then finally at 11:30am. Upon waking, my first thought was, "I'm going to look for a job." And I did. Not sure where the positive mood came from, and I don't really care. For the first time in months I feel good and I'm enjoying it.Though blood still courses through my body and air fills my lungs, I am dead.
By deleting my Twitter and Facebook acounts I no longer exist. My social presence has vanished. I've, in part, suffered the death I long for. There are hundreds of people in various corners of the earth who have called me 'friend'. Since I had never met them, and they no longer have means of communicating with me, I have vanished from their life as completely as if I had died. All that remains of me is a memory.
I can talk. I can socialize with people. I can concentrate on a book or movie. I can get out of bed. I sound peppy.
If I can do all that, doesn't that make me normal? If a sign of depression is the inability to do those tasks, am I depressed? If I can get out of bed, talk to people and sound peppy, and concentrate, does that mean that I'm NOT depressed? Stands to reason... Sure I made a plan to kill myself, have no ambition, don't see any personal worth, but maybe that's all justified, not depression. Perhaps there's truely no point to my life, and the desire to end it isn't caused by depression, but rather the realization that the world has nothing to gain from me being in it and nature trying to be rid of me. 27 years of wasted air, space, food... All resources in general. I've not made any impact on the world. There's nothing to show for my life, and if the past is any indication of the future, there will likely be another 27 years of the same. Why continue to consume when the resources I'm exausting could fuel someone worthwhile? These are valid thoughts and ideas. Directly stated, what if I'm not suffering from "depression" but simply a realization of the truth?
Mood: 2
Listening to: Jim Brickman- Lake Erie Rainfall
I'm feeling lost today... I haven't don't any gardening since Friday and every time I think of getting out there I feel how hot it is and lose all interest in everything. I have done nothing today but read and watch some shows. I'm floundering, and can't fight my way to the top of the muck.
I feel like I need someone to talk to, but there's nobody. Did I ever have anyone to talk to? I must have... But who? Where did they go and why can't I remember their names? There are people out there, but I can't trust them. I want to reach out, but I know they'll hurt me.
Mood: 4
Lisntening to: Safe In Your Embrace- Kevin Kern
I've recently had a dawning. It's a biggy! Here it is: I deserve to treat myself with respect.
For many people, that's not so hard. For me? It's been years. Possibly decades since I've really believed that I deserve to get what I actually want and need instead of settling.This post is centered around love. I have settled for so much. I married a man that I didn't truly love because I thought it was what I should have done. I have had sex with men that I didn't really care about, who only wanted sex FROM me. While that was fun, I now know that I deserve better. I owe myself more.I'm ready to love now. I'm ready to be loved. I ready to demand caring. I'm no longer afraid of losing a guy because I want him to care about ALL of me. Before, I would give him what ever he wanted, usually just sex, because I thought that if I didn't, he wouldn't like me anymore. The truth is, I didn't like myself enough to know that all he wanted was sex, and I wouldn't get anything more than that from him. I couldn't say no.I don't believe that anymore. I want affection. I want cuddling. I want conversation. I want love. I am ready for that. I am ready to accept that from a man who really does care about me.
Since getting out of the hospital and moving into a friend's house, I've had a project.
He wants me to turn his weedy overgrown garden into an Eden! Okay, not quite, I think even HE knows I have limits. He said that if I did all the weeding and planting it would cover rent. Seems fair enough for a safe and comfortable place for my kitty and I.
It's been a LOT more work than I anticipated. I didn't realize until we had a somewhat intense discussion that he had ulterior motives. He understands that a large part of my depression comes from a lack of goals and ambition. I have no desires, goals or aspirations in life and have spent the last 3 years simply existing. Working to pay bills with no view past the end of the month. Not accomplishing anything besides putting a roof over my head and food in my belly.
He wants me to produce something. Something that I can be proud of and call my own. I have free reign. It was very daunting at first, and to be honest, still is.
Mood: 7
Listening to: Lady Antebellum- I Was Here
Today I realized how terrible people can make you feel and how amazing people can make you feel.
Started the day in pain. Headache, cramps and back aching so badly I could hardly get out of bed. Knowing I had to feed my kitty & let the dog out got me out of bed, and once I was up the prospect of coffee kept me out of bed.Sat outside drinking coffee and smoking, enjoying the company of the animals. Still feeling awful, but the ibuprofen started kicking in about the time my neighbor invited me over to play with her puppy.
I have decided that I have been relying too much on Twitter for my social needs and too easily bothered when those needs don't get met. I am quitting Twitter for a bit. Maybe a couple days, maybe a few weeks, maybe forever, all I know is that it's doing me more harm than good right now.
Feel free to DM me on Twitter, or leave a comment with your contact info, if you'd like to stay in touch. Cheers for the good times.
Today was an odd one. Odd good, I think.
It started out with the toe truck driver knocking on my door. My car finally got repossessed. I knew it was going to happen and have been expecting it for a few weeks. I have been struggling so hard to keep that car over the last year. I hate that all that stress was for nothing. I hate that I’ve lost my transportation, and freedom. On the flip side, it’s nice to have that stress off of my shoulders. I no longer have to worry about where I’m going to get the next payment. I moped for a couple hours, but was pulled out of it by a sweet man who I always have good conversations with. The day got even better when I decided to walk to the park to see the sun set. It was 2 miles away and I took Evie. It was calming to watch the sun sink into the ocean, knowing that at that same moment it was rising on a friend in England. Mood: 8
